The Fourth of July is upon us. The day we beat the Brits and became our own self-governed people. Those were the good days: Paul Revere, cutting down cherry trees, throwing tea into the ocean, giving small pox to innocent natives. Man, being an American was as great then as it is now. In honor of the upcoming holiday and hopefully to boost your nationalism I’ve created a short list that points out just how fucking great America is. FREEDOM!
1. Fat people. They take up extra space on the subway when they should be eating at Subway, but they’re great. Sometimes they’re hilarious, at other times they’re flat-out worrisome. But there are few things more American than a super-sized human.
2. Mel Gibson is from Australia.
3. Cowboys getting wild in the west! Part tight pants and assless chaps, part cow-wrangling men who shave their faces with knives. What more could you ask for?
4. We shake hands and don’t have to deal with any of that crap kiss-me-on-either-side-of-the-cheek bullshit.
5. Christina Hendricks.
6. Cheez Whiz. It’s cheese that comes out of a can. It’s cheese that comes out of a CAN! It’s CHEESE that comes out of a CAN!!
7.The KFC Double Down. KFC decided it would be smart to use fried-chicken filets as a bun instead of bread, making it all the more heart clogging and just down right awesome. They even have to make sure you believe that it’s real. To quote from their site “The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel’s Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!” In other words my first favorite meat wrapped around my second favorite meat. USA! USA! USA!
8. Blowin’ shit up! July 4th comes once a year, but we be blowin’ it up all the time, it’s just how we do. Think The Challenger, Hiroshima, The Iraqi people, Pamela Anderson’s Boobs.
9. Deep-fried anything. I’ve deep fried Turkeys, Twinkies, even shoes. You know why? Because I fucking can.
10. Arrogance and ignorance because I’ve got time and money for both!