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“Sex and the City: An XXX Porn Parody” Announced: You’re Only Relevant If Someone with a Waxed Asshole and Multiple DUIs Plays You In a Movie

Elisabeth Dickson :: Thursday, June 24th, 2010 2:03 pm

New Sensations, the company responsible for the porn parodies of “Golden Girls” and “30 Rock,” announced yesterday that it has begun production on “Sex and the City: A XXX Porn Parody.” Lee Roy Myers is directing, and porn star Kayla Paige will star as foot-faced sex columnist/sociopath Carrie Bradshaw. The “movie” will be released this fall.

As someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of “Sex and the City” and an intellectual (albeit limited) interest in porn, words cannot adequately describe how psyched I am about this marriage of filthy-minded equals. For the past few hours, my head has been swimming with casting choices (Jenna Haze as Charlotte! Nina Hartley as Samantha! Tilda Swinton as Miranda [because no one wants to see Miranda having sex anyway!]), possible dialogue (something about fisting followed by something about commitment issues followed by something about Louboutins followed by Carrie and Samantha going down on each other in the ladies’ room at Pastis) and props (I will die of disappointment if I don’t see at least one Louis Vuitton-monogrammed dildo in this movie).

Unfortunately, “Sex and the City: An XXX Parody” has a pretty limited audience; I doubt many of the Upper East Side mommies who bought tickets to the first two movies are interested in seeing Charlotte on the receiving end of a literal facial at Elizabeth Arden. Still, the porno parody of “SATC” allows the franchise to open itself up to a whole new audience, one that mostly consists of snarky pseudo-feminists like myself and the gay men who love them (and, of course, straight men who love porn. And fake boobs. And references to couture sandwiched between girl-on-girl scenes.)

And maybe this is overly optimistic, but I think that if “Sex and the City: An XXX Porn Parody” is done well (and I’m obviously using the term “well” very loosely), the movie could revive interest in what is now a flailing franchise. In its heyday, “Sex and the City” was similar to porn in that it was completely honest about its appeal: it was about sex, and often this sex took place in the city, and it didn’t pretend to be interested in anything else (just as porn is about sex, and often this sex takes place in Jacuzzis despite the increased risk of yeast infection, but it doesn’t pretend to be interested in anything else and it’s definitely not interested in the pH balance of its female performers’ vaginas).

When “SATC” started expanding into a sparkly pink commercial monster, it pretended to be interested in other things, like gender and class and race and religion; hence, the critical failures/assaults on standards of decency and taste that were the first two “Sex and the City” movies. If nothing else, “Sex and the City: An XXX Porn Parody” could serve as a pornier throwback to what the franchise used to represent: a campy, sparkly, and silly look inside the lives of four white ladies who liked to pork dudes. And I, personally, can’t wait to suck down some Cosmos, [illegally] download this movie online and invite the gayest of my gay friends over for another campy, sparkly, and silly look inside Carrie & Co. - and this time, it’ll be in the most literal sense possible.