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WWSD? Elucidifying ‘Refudiate’: An Open Letter by Sarah Palin

Elisabeth Dickson :: Monday, July 19th, 2010 5:00 pm

My fellow liberty-loving, equality-respecting, multiple firearm-owning American patriots,

Hi there! Many of you liberal types have expressed disdainment and constervation over my usage of a certain “fake” word. I am referring, of course, to the word “refudiate,” which I used in the following Tweet: “Ground Zero mosque supporters, doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” Many of you Chomsky-readin’, Lady Gaga-lovin’, cornhole-pokin’ blue staters have used this word as an opportunity to mock me, taunt me, and cast Aspergers on my intelligence. And many of you remain unsatisfied by my attempts to justificate the usage of this word when I later Tweeted that “Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. English is a living language. Got to celebrate it!”

To the linguistics professors, English majors and quote-unquote “literates” who are affronted by my celebration of our beautiful language, I’d just like to say that I apologize for offending your delicate, probably homosexual sensibilities. But the English language is a living, growing animal, an animal that has the body of a moose and the head of an eagle and the claws of a grizzly, and if you wanna shoot that animal dead, well, feel free to move to Denmark and speak Dutch like the rest of those towheaded liberty-hating cornhole pokers.

To any Shakespeare buffs out there who are infuriaged by my comments, I would like to elucidify that it was never my intention to draw parallels between myself and the Bard of Evian. Having seen the adaptations 10 Things I Hate About You, O and She’s All That numerable times, I can say with much certaintude that I am familiar with Shakespeare’s cannon; none of the less, I have never fancied myself a wordsmith, and I certainly don’t consider myself one of such. So, to everyone whose feelings I hurt, I want to say that I’m just a simple Wasilla girl with a smile as bright as an Alaskan summer and a rack as ampleful as my husband Todd’s beer gut after an all-you-can eat salmon bake, and I would never explicatly compare myself to a genius like Shakespeare, even though if he were alive today he probably would ‘like’ Lady GaGa on Facebook and support health care reform.

And to those of you who remain unwavered, who continue to turn your [probably Jewish] noses up at my adversion to Merriam and Webster and Strunk and White and all those other non-patriots who debauchify our glorious moose/eagle/bear language; well, I would like to “nay” right back at these “nay-sayers” by blowing an adorably age-inappropriate raspberry at them. Because, to quote an old Inuit saying, I’m Sarah Palin and I need to speak good English like I need a raccoon in my Jacuzzi. I can say stuff like “our neighboring country of Afghanistan” and “abortion clinic bombers aren’t terrorists” and “drill, baby, drill” and it will only make men like Sean Hannity want to sacrifice the lives of unborn children between my breasts even more. I sold over 2.7 million copies of my book last year, for Pete’s sake - 2.7 million copies. How many copies of She’s All That did Shakespeare sell, you might be wondering? Well, I just did a Google search, and the answer is zero. Zero copies. Who’s the Bard of Evian now, Shakespeare?

So hencetoforth, I would like to conclude by saying that I will embarge from this scandal unsheathed, like that [probably homosexual] band Phoenix from the ashes. Because maybe “refudiate” isn’t a real word, but I’d be willing to bet that 95% of real Americans don’t know that, and the only thing real Americans hate more than big government is being told by smarty-pants intellectuals that the way they think, act and even speak their own language is wrong. And maybe I’m not speaking your language, liberty-hating non-patriots, but I’m definitely speaking the same language as that 95%, and when 2012 rolls around and I’m cooling my $550 Kate Spade heels in the Oval Office, no one will be able to refudiate that.

Love and kisses,