The Carcharodon Megalodon Is Being Saved for the Oncoming Animal Assault

Stephen Blackwell :: Thursday, June 10th, 2010 8:15 pm

Months ago a trainer named Dawn Brancheau was murdered by, of all things, a killer whale. We casually abduct animals, tear them from their natural environment, place them in captivity, feed them minnows and then force them to do black flips and balance beach balls while we do the wave and eat cotton candy. Coincidentally, they’re filled will murderous rage and we’re shocked by it.

Scientists insist these are random acts brought on by stress. I don’t know. I just saw The Cove for the first time, and I’m rather convinced the animals know what we’re up to.

Recently, teeth were discovered belonging to a carcharodon megalodon, the 65-foot shark thought to be extinct for millions of years. The found teeth are only tens of thousands of years old. Cryptozoologists and fish hunters are shitting a brick about this, but I think it’s the Voltron of the aquatic world. Two of these things could sink an aircraft carrier. Imagine if they had a giant squid on their side? Even a couple of dogs could do the trick. At the moment, I can list off a few animals that, if they just decided to start picking us off, would be totally justified: Pelicans, lions, tigers, rhinos, blue fish, mahi mahi, tuna, deer, chicken, cows, eagles, chipmunks, pigs. All of them.

The carcharodon megalodon may be a link to the past, but I say be very afraid.