12 Things to Throw Down the Guatemala Sinkhole

Matt Kiebus :: Tuesday, June 1st, 2010 5:15 pm


Guatemala City is the world’s most recent victim of an unfortunate natural disaster. But if we’ve learned anything it’s that, from the comforts of our cubicle, we can find some good in the horrific.

So when life gives your underdeveloped city a tropical storm sometimes it luckily makes a super cool sinkhole! What might one do with a sinkhole you ask? Well, we have a couple suggestions for fun stuff to toss in it.

Every Copy of Justin Bieber’s CD
Americans need to realize that Justin Bieber is Canada’s primary weapon in taking over the United States. Think about it, where did the uber-polite 16-year-old come from? He probably snowboarded his way past enemy lines and immediately began brainwashing America’s youth. We seriously need to chuck his discography down the sinkhole before the Mounties pay us a visit offering free Molson.

Tony Hayward
The BP CEO has said and done everything wrong in the wake of the disastrous and ongoing oil spill, coming across as comically unprepared for the job as New York Governor David Patterson was when he assumed office. Hayward gave an interview to CNN on Sunday night in which is PR strategy appeared to be “add as much insult to injury as possible,” first describing the disaster as a “disruption” and then coming in for the the juicy closer: “There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.” Really dude? I bet the 11 people who lost their lives in this mess would like their lives back more than you.

Dunkin’ Donuts Bagels
The Nation’s most popular bagel retailer (their words not mine) produces one generic tasting bagel. I don’t even know if you can call it a bagel. It’s a bland round piece of dough that tastes like cardboard and looks like it took steroids, on a good day. It’s utterly uneatable. Stick to Iced Coffee and Munchkins, because the bagels are going down the sinkhole.

Stephen Hawking
Just to see if he’d be smart enough to figure out a way back up.

Nicholas Sparks Film Adaptations… Or Sparks Himself
For some reason this man thinks he’s a modern Hemingway when he’s closer to a male version of Danielle Steel. So far Sparks has had six books adapted to film: Message in a Bottle, A Walk to Remember,The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe, Dear John, and The Last Song. These aren’t exactly cinematic masterpieces, and I’d be willing to bet that the novels aren’t exactly Pulitzer material either.

TV News “Old Guard” Andy Rooney & Larry King
Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper and Ted Koppel’s kid die and these guys are not only still ticking, but also remain “important figures” in American news. Retire and take up fly-fishing or stop your wife from fucking your kid’s little league baseball coach.

Every PT Crusier Still in Existence
Do I really have to explain why there should be no place in the world for these cars? Hummers were more practical vehicles. No one should ever try to emulate any part of ZZ Top’s look—even the vehicular part.

Miller Lite
It’s summertime and this is simply a terrible beer. I’d probably drink Schlitz and Milwaukee’s Best before letting that vile brew hit my taste buds. How can a company like MillerCoors, which produces a “getting wasted classic” such as Coors Light sully their reputation with such trash? Miller High Life is even a better beer, because it’s apparently “the Champagne of Beers.” Plus throwing beer bottles is a lot of fun.

The Cast of Glee
No more annoying hijinks and thinly veiled moral allegories for primetime watchers. You’re going to have to settle for Scurbs. It’s the best show you’re not watching.

Spanx for Men
The maker of the popular women’s “shapewear” (a nice way of saying spandex girdles) has released a men’s version, and every pair belongs at the bottom of the sinkhole. Men, don’t let anyone tell you you belong in a spandex girdle, even if you are Richard Simmons. Even more mind-boggling is the high demand. The product has been selling out at predictably doofy places to buy men’s clothes like Nordstrom’s, but they’ve been selling even faster online. Perhaps the consumers of this product are really the ones we should be tossing in the hole, but who’s gonna admit to buying them? Any takers? That’s what we thought.

Michelle “Bombshell” McGee
A human affront to tattoos everywhere.

Fully grasping the nature of systemic economic threats is way beyond our capacity, but we recognize that there are times in life when its time to cut the dead weight. Just last week France was threatening to pull out of the EU altogether. Before Europe turns back into a free-for-all of pissed off little countries waging war on each other and killing everyone’s buzz, maybe we should think about stuffing the weakest link in the sinkhole.

4 Responses to “12 Things to Throw Down the Guatemala Sinkhole”
  1. Every female on the planet loves Nicholas Sparks books and movies. Why?

    Posted by: Jury Hart June 1st, 2010 at 6:30 pm
  2. HA! this is hilarious. Miller lite is trash, I could not agree more.

    Posted by: dude June 2nd, 2010 at 6:00 pm
  3. Never heard of him.

    Posted by: Emily June 3rd, 2010 at 3:34 am
  4. Um…. I’m a female on this planet and I DESPISE Nicholas Sparks books and movies. Emotional pornography.

    Posted by: Liz Biz June 3rd, 2010 at 7:18 am