Kevin Costner’s Oil Machine

Stephen Blackwell :: Thursday, May 20th, 2010 12:00 pm

If you build it, he will come. It seems that the Field of Dreams star has taken the film’s legendary aphorism to heart.

But instead of building a field full of dead people, Costner has developed a complex machine that bears a striking resemblance to Johnny 5 had you stuck hoses on his arms. The machine operates on centrifugal force — whatever that is — to extract oil from water. In case you didn’t know, there’s an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

I’ll freely admit I never imagined Kevin Costner would save the world. I thought James Cameron would. James Cameron, why are you so useless?

The 3-D film experience is worth the $14 ticket, no doubt about it. It enriches the communal theater-going experience. Not only are we catapulted into the lush new worlds, but we also all get to look like complete fools while it happens. Do you know how stupid you look in 3-D glasses? You look pretty stupid.

3-D films can earn a billion dollars, as evidenced by Cameron’s monumental Avatar. But you know what 3-D films can’t do? Extract oil from water. It would be tough to make deep-sea exploration films if the ocean was filled with plumes of oil.

I’m willing to bet nobody has said this since 1991, but it’s a good thing we have Kevin Costner around.

5 Responses to “Kevin Costner’s Oil Machine”
  1. [...] But no. They want to shove golf balls in the pipe and use containment units. The last time half of us heard the term containment unit, we were watching Ghostbusters. And if they weren’t lying to us about how much oil is furiously spilling into the Gulf, which they are, we would reflexively assume they were anyway, especially after the financial meltdown. Occurrences like the BP oil spill only widen the pressure and existential dread felt by the bottom 99 per cent of the U.S. We’ve seen his movies: We know a crisis is profound when Kevin Costner becomes a hero. [...]

    Posted by: Death + Taxes May 20th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
  2. [...] Inverted Gusher Spillers Kevin Costner’s Oil Machine var [...]

    Posted by: Death + Taxes May 26th, 2010 at 12:06 pm
  3. These machines need to be deployed ASAP

    Posted by: Jon June 11th, 2010 at 5:06 am
  4. I am glad BP is going to try the Cosner machine. I think his celebrity opened some doors for him. I used to work for a company in California that developed a safe way to rapidly biodegrade the hydrocarbon out in the open water, on shores and especially through the marsh areas without any damage. I understand the firm, BioWorld Products Inc, has their advanced bioremediation methods is cleared by the USEPA for use in oil spill cleanups - the site is or - the products are easily applied by C130 or other aircraft or by boats with normal spraying equipment. I saw this product clean up some project in the water in just a few days but even if it takes 2 or 3 weeks for the thick oil, this whole spill can be contained in a few months. I hear the press report where all hands on deck comments sound nice but someone at BP should be in contact with this company and get the products put to work as a proactive attack plan with a huge reward with zero risk - sorry for rambling but I know this is a great technology and it can make a major contribution in this horrible, tragic situation for the people in the gulf region.

    Posted by: Alan Glik June 14th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
  5. [...] actor Kevin Costner, the same man who played candidate Bud Johnson in “Swing Vote,” has been working on a machine for over a decade that will separate oil from water more efficiently than the traditional [...]

    Posted by: Death and Taxes » Kevin Costner: BP’s Next Move June 15th, 2010 at 12:02 pm